Blues News

BLUES NEWS

(The unofficial newsletter of Bluehouse Cricket Club)

Winter 2002/03 edition

Editorial

It’s been a long time!

Too long some would say. But here is the very latest edition of your favourite cricket publication.

Thanks to all of you who have contributed articles. This is a ‘Winter Special’ to keep you warm through the dark and cold months with no cricket. Readers will be delighted to see the return of some old favourites such as the popular ‘agony ‘ column ‘Dear Dunc’ where players have written in with their problems for expert advice. There are also one or two new items for you to savour.

So sit back, relax and enjoy.

‘The Editor’

Club news

Selection policy: ‘Who goes…you decide’

Members will be interested to learn that the Club is to adopt an exciting new selection policy for next season. Based on recent successful ‘interactive’ television programmes, members will have the opportunity to influence team selection for the coming Saturday.

Every week, 3 players will be put up for eviction to the team below. This will be known as ‘Big Brother Bluehouse’. So for example, you could have the choice:

To evict Drew Flint call 0981 453128*

To evict Dik Lynch call 0981 235124*

To evict Drew Flint (2^nd opportunity) call 0981 348217*

*calls cost £15/minute. Proceeds will be split between the Club and a Charity of Bill Lovatt’s choice (roughly 2%-98%)

Running in parallel with this will be the opportunity to promote players who think they’re playing in a team below their standard. This will be called ‘I’m a Superstar: Get me out of Here’. (examples of possible players up for this are not given due to lack of space- Ed).

Players’ strike?

Rumours abound of a strike by first team players in support of their claim for a 40% reduction in their time spent at the crease. Many think the claim to be ‘Scargillite’, particularly in view of the fact that they are quite capable of achieving this without any help Indeed, the averages for last season show that they’ve already had a reduction of 11% but this has been described as ‘derisory’ and ‘provocative’ by sources close to the first team captain, Andy Herridge. Emergency talks are in progress with shorter overs of 5 balls being considered, but the number of wides bowled last season by the Club’s bowlers mean that the number of balls per over is still likely to be in the region of 7. If the strike goes ahead, it will be the first industrial action since the infamous ‘summer of discontent’ 25 years ago. Plans for emergency cover are being drawn up, but it seems that 2^nd team ‘reservists’ are unlikely to want to cross the cricket line (surely ‘picket line’?- Ed).

Trial collapses

The trial of former club treasurer Bill Lovatt has collapsed. Club members will recall the strange set of co-incidences that led from Bill being a homeless pauper to owning a brand new Alfa Romero and a buying a swanky house in Leigh-on-Sea at the precise time that he was in office as treasurer. The trail collapsed after a dramatic intervention by former Club Chairman Patrick McGreal who recalled that Lovatt had, in fact, mentioned to him one night in ‘The Duke’ back in 1998 that he was going to “look after some of the club funds for a short while” but that “he thought he was pissed so he took no notice.” Some angry members suspect a cover-up and will want to know why McGreal left it so long before coming forward with this vital new evidence.

Stop press…stop press…..stop press… Readers will be interested to know that, following the collapse of the trial, ‘Blues News’ was offered first refusal on Lovatt’s ‘inside story’ but refused on moral grounds - and the fact that we didn’t have £300,000 knocking around (That’s because Lovatt’s nicked all our money- Ed)..

Tour news

The tour to Spain was a resounding triumph. Tourists report plenty of success for those who usually hit form around this time, although new tourists again struggled to make an impact in the heat. One or two of the more successful players have even carried on playing since their return with a spot of the indoor version of the game, although the unavailability of a home ground means that all such matches are away fixtures, of course. The venue for next season’s tour has yet to be confirmed, but as heading south to coastal areas continues to be so popular, there seems little doubt that the tradition will continue for some time yet.

Quick news ‘snippets’

· Congratulations to Dale Gutteridge, who came runner-up in a recent charity fancy-dress 24 hour darts competition in Chelmsford.

· Geoff and Jack Cox are planning to set up their own business selling timeshare accommodation in Malta, but should still be available for the coming season.

· Andy Lynch had a surprise when he returned from 2 days away on business in September. His wife Michelle had called in BBC’s ‘Ground Force’ team who had renovated his garden. The show is due to be transmitted next Spring.

· Warwick Everest has completed his Higher Certificate in Latin Dancing and is now well on his way to being qualified to teach at a senior level.

· Eagle-eyed readers will have spotted Jon Wing as an ‘extra’ in the new advert for Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

· Bill Lovatt was a regional finalist in Barclays Bank’s ‘Employee of the Year’ competition. He came 4^th, just missing out on a place in the national final.

· Kevin Wood had an article on Burnley FC published in a recent edition of the ‘Isle of Arran Shoemaker’s Weekly’.

· Brynn Hawkins is to be on a team of auditors re-examining the case of alleged tax evasion by the comedian, Ken Dodd.

· In an amazing case of mistaken identity, Rob Hunt was apprehended by police last month in connection with the robbery of a pet shop in Braintree. He was immediately released when it became clear he was the wrong man.

· Andy Herridge has applied to go on Big Brother 4. Auditions take place early next year.

· In an effort to raise money for charity, Nigel Pegg is planning to run next year’s London Marathon nude, save for a barrel strategically placed across his mid-rift, whilst Martin Carter will run along side him playing excerpts from Chopin on the piano

· Matt Evans is to take a year out from work to concentrate on his long-held ambition to secure a career in watercolour paintings, sculpting and basket weaving.

· John Walsh is hoping to sail across the Atlantic next winter in a boat made entirely out of papier maché.

· Duncan Baldwin’s hopes of becoming a lion-tamer have suffered a serious set back following the discovery that he’s allergic to cats.

DEAR ‘DUNC’

Your problems solved by our resident agony uncle, ‘Dunc’.

It’s been a busy post bag for Dunc, so let’s get cracking with those all-important letters.

Dear Dunc,

I seem to pick up a disproportionate number of niggles and injuries which mean I have to miss cricket. I sometimes feel that my team-mates think I’m a bit of a wimp, but all my injuries are genuine and some have been quiet serious. For example, in recent years I’ve had: a mild headache; a slight cough; a nosebleed and split ends. On one occasion I was so bad that I had to miss cricket and lay a patio in my back garden. Is this normal or am I just very unlucky?

Yours sincerely,

Dear AF,

By the sounds of it, you’re obviously getting on in years now and these things start to creep in when you get to a certain age. I’ve no doubt that your team- mates fully understand that, when you get so seriously ill that you can barely stand, you’re not able to play cricket. Perhaps you should take up something less strenuous like knitting or embroidery. But be careful; this can also be quite tiring.

Good luck!!

Dunc

Dear Dunc,

Are ‘nets’ really necessary?

Yours sincerely,

Mr First-Team

Dear Mr First-Team,

Players of perfection never need to practice, so why bother? You’re clearly of the view that all you have to do is turn up in May totally unprepared and you’ll ‘walk’ the league, so why put yourself out?

Good luck next season!

Dunc

Dear Dunc,

Do I really have to play in the 1^st team if I don’t want to?

Yours sincerely,

Various

Dear Various,

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in this life. I’m sure the nice 1^st team captain will understand if you explain that you’d rather put your head in a blender than play for the ‘Firsts’ and that you should be free to play wherever the mood suits.

Dunc

Dear Dunc,

Do I really have to play in the 2nd team if I don’t want to?

Yours sincerely,

Various

Dear Various,

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in this life. I’m sure the nice 2nd team captain will understand if you explain that you’d rather put your head in a blender than play for the ‘Seconds’ and that you should be free to play wherever the mood suits.

Dunc

Dear Dunc,

Do I really have to play in the 3rd team if I don’t want to?

Yours sincerely,

Various

Dear Various,

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in this life. I’m sure the nice 3rds team captain will understand if you explain that you’d rather put your head in a blender than play for the ‘Thirds’ and that you should be free to play wherever the mood suits.

Dunc

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

A new series where we track down former players and see what they’re up to.

1. Kevin Neil

Who can forget this legendary figure whose outstanding talents with bat and ball graced and won many a match for Bluehouse? [Sorry…this is the introduction for ‘Devan’ to be used in a later edition – Ed].

Kevin will never tire of telling you about the time when he took 0-4 against a strong Ford’s Basildon Team in 1986 to win the match for Bluehouse. He did bugger all other than that, but we do miss him.

Last heard of selling out-of-date tins of ‘Vimto’ to supermarkets in Afghanistan.

2. Patrick McGreal

Erstwhile Club Chairman. Lover of Portsmouth FC and ‘mature’ ladies.

Still working for Thurrock Council.

3. Dik Lynch

Technically, Dik shouldn’t be included in this section as he’s still a member, but it’s been so long since he did anything that [the remainder of this sentence has been deemed inappropriate – Ed]

CAPTION COMPETITION

Win a big prize!!!!

Simply finish the sentences below in not more than the number of words shown and send your entry to Blues News. Prizes for the most original. The Editor’s decision is final.

“Why don’t you learn the lbw law you useless……..” [1 word]

“I’m standing for captain of the 3rds next season because..… “ [1,200 words]

“The quickest route to Portsmouth is……..” [20 words: this appears by the special request of 2 members].

POLITICS

As readers will know, speculation about the leadership of one of our great institutions is rife. The current leader, a self styled ‘quiet man’, looks to be on his way out and all around there’s talk of plotting, subterfuge and who might stand at the next election.

I refer, of course, to the 3^rd team, whose captaincy is up for grabs at the AGM following Jack Neville’s decision to stand down in order to spend more time with his family (i.e. in the slips with Martin). The latest odds for his successor, courtesy of W. Everest’s Bookmakers, are as follows:

- D. Freeman 3/1

- D. Gutteridge 3/1

- T. Wildes 5/1

- P. Cox 5/1

- R. Lynch 10,000/1

- O. Bin Laden 9,999/1

‘COUNTDOWN’ SPECIAL

Use your skill and judgement in a ‘Blues News’ version of the popular Channel 4 game.

Word game. First, make a word from the following letters:

B O L O L C K S

Numbers game. Now, using any combination of the numbers available, try to reach the target number:

2, 53, 0, 37,16,8,12,16,9,10,2

Target number: 200 (max points)

Note: this really shouldn’t be too difficult on the evidence of the creative accountancy used in last season’s scorebooks.

TOP TIPS

Thanks to readers who’ve written in with some excellent top tips.

· Instead of calling when you’re running, keep quiet and let your batting partner guess what you’re going to do! JW

· Take sod-all wickets all season and then celebrate wildly and in an embarrassing over-the-top-way when you take the wicket of a 50+ year old who gave a few wides against you whilst he was umpiring and who’s only making the numbers up for the team that’s already been relegated. AF.

· Give your team-mates out lbw even when the ball’s going to miss the stumps by a country mile. SL

· Storm off home with the ‘hump’ while the game’s still going on when one of your team-mates gives you out lbw even when the ball’s going to miss the stumps by a country mile. DC

· When travelling to Burnham-on-Crouch, take a short cut via Hatfield Perverel. BL

· Keep your phone bill down by delegating all calls to a third party. AH

· When fielding, run around more and thereby get better value for money for your match fee by turning up for a game with 10 men. AH

· Incur costs of over £100 to the club by saying that you’re going to turn up to the annual meal and then don’t do so. (A few of you sent that one in. Thanks very much!)

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!!

Well, that’s the end of this edition of ‘Blues News’.

In the same way that you wait ages for a bus and then 3 come along at once, it may not be too long before the next edition. In the meantime, keep those contributions coming in.

‘The Editor’